We have all seen those posts on social media that start off with, “no one prepares you for… x” and instantly you relate.
Well after reading this you won’t be able to say that no one prepared you for motherhood. Because here we go. I’m about to prepare you.
Of course I couldn’t prepare you for absolutely everything, because everyone’s motherhood journey will be different. And seeing as no one can accurately predict the future *yet,* there’s no way to know what yours will look like. However, I’m going to do my best to give you a really good idea of what you can expect.
I have two years of motherhood experience at this point. I’ve survived pregnancy, labor, and birth. I survived the newborn stage, and the infant stage. I had 6 months of unpaid maternity leave so I got a good idea of what SAHM life is like. And then I went back to work, my son went to daycare, and I became a working daycare mom. Now I have a two year old and we’re entering the tantrum era and this amazing burst of personality era.
Looking back, I feel like we can almost split motherhood up into a few categories. There’s the physical aspect of it – the bleeding and soreness at the very beginning after birth, your weakened pelvic floor, becoming active and getting your body back, breastfeeding, and even your hormones and your period returning to normal. And then there are the emotional parts of it that can correlate to the physical parts as well as the stage you’re in – the hormone dip at the beginning, being so attached to your newborn, dropping your kid at daycare before you’re ready, leaving your kid for a trip for the first time. And then there are the milestones you go through as a mother as well as the baby’s milestones – sitting up for the first time, trying solids, crawling, walking, talking. Or the first time they sleep through the night and the first time you sleep through the night (may not necessarily be on the same evening). The first time you leave your baby, or the first time you take them on a walk on your own in the stroller.
I remember celebrating the first time I took my son and dog on a walk at the same time. It was a big deal for me. Every time I did something new on my own with my son, I felt elation. And it built up my confidence as a mother. Things would get easier and I’d get used to it. But I remember all too well how anxious and scared I was to do a lot of those things.
I vividly remember my mother backing out of our driveway to leave after staying with us for two weeks when we brought my son home. I was holding my baby, and crying to my husband telling him, “I don’t think I can do this on my own.” To which he replied, “Yes you can. You will be just fine.” I knew logically that I could do it, and I would do it. But emotionally, I was terrified of messing everything up.
I’m here to tell you that motherhood can be incredible, beautiful, and the most amazing thing you have ever done. You will evolve and grow in ways you cannot imagine right now. You will face battles every day, and you will get stronger and more confident every single day because of those battles. You will feel immense pride and no one can properly tell you just how much you will love that child. But think about how you protect yourself and love yourself right now, and I’m telling you that you will love and protect that little one even more. The only thing that will be on your mind is the health, safety, and wellbeing of that child. And that can be emotionally and physically draining at first, but eventually it’ll become part of you. It’ll just be there in your mind and your thoughts constantly. And not as a bother, but as a natural way of living.
Your genetics change in motherhood. Your blood composition changes. Your brain changes. Your body changes. Motherhood will rock the world as you once knew it. But I’m here to tell you that it’s all worth it. There is nothing greater or more rewarding than being a child’s mother. Being the one who dries their tears, calms their fears. You get to be the one who shushes them to sleep, who provides them their sustenance. You get to teach them about the world, and how to be kind to others. You get to experience their budding personalities, and you get to love them unconditionally. It is the greatest experience of a lifetime.
So when you go through difficult days, and challenging nights, when you start to cry because the baby won’t stop crying and you’ve tried everything and you’re too tired to do anything else, remember that everything is a phase. The baby WILL stop crying eventually. I can’t promise it’ll be in 5 minutes or even within the week. Colic is a real bitch. But, this too shall pass. And you will be stronger for it. It’ll make you a better mama in the end. And at the very least, it’ll give you stories to tell one day.
Without me droning on and on, let’s get to the details. I’ll give you more information on what to expect physically in the postpartum stage. I’ll explain common emotions to feel according to your motherhood milestones as well as your baby’s milestones. I’ll try to go through the motherhood journey as accurately as possible, staying true to my own experience, so that you don’t feel blindsided once you give birth. You’ll be able to recognize the feelings you’re feeling because you had already read about it in this blog post.
Practical Ways to Prepare for Motherhood
The Many Changes to Your Body
After you give birth, your belly will feel all squishy, your vagina will be sore and bleeding, and your nipples may hurt from breastfeeding. Of course everyone’s experience will be different, but as someone who had a vaginal birth and started breastfeeding right away, it was hard for me to climb in and out of the hospital bed. It was hard to bend down and pull my pants up after peeing. It was hard to twist and wipe my butt after pooping. I was scared to shower on my own because I was worried I might slip and fall.
In the end, I bled for 4-5 weeks. I did hemorrhage during birth so I had a lot of bleeding, which probably had something to do with that. I wore diapers for the first 3ish weeks and then changed to pads as the bleeding slowed down. I passed clots, which can be very scary to see. The soreness got better as time went on.
You may have some contractions and cramping while your uterus shrinks back to its regular size. I don’t remember mine being too painful, but I have heard they get more painful with each additional pregnancy.
My pelvic floor took a good year to year and a half to get back to normal. During that time, it was very likely I would pee when sneezing or laughing. If you have the time and determination, it would never be a bad idea to go see a pelvic floor therapist after you give birth to get extra help in building those muscles back up.
I developed plantar fasciitis with my pregnancy. At the end, I had to wear special slippers around the house or always had to have supportive footwear to walk. This took a long time to get better. I had to buy a foot massager, and teach myself to walk properly again eventually. I’m only now able to walk barefoot. This was definitely not something I had ever anticipated being part of having a baby.
Usually your doctor clears you to have sex at the 6 week appointment after you give birth if everything has healed nicely and the bleeding has stopped. This might not be the case for everyone so it really is best to get cleared from your doctor. But you might not feel ready at 6 weeks – physically or even emotionally. You’re tired, and maybe even scared to try. All emotions are valid at this time, and it’s best to communicate with your partner. Your body went through A LOT, and you don’t owe your partner anything. Wait until you’re absolutely ready, and take it slow at first.
Daily movement is crucial for healing.
I find it a little odd that when you get surgery they tell you to be on bed rest for however many weeks but when you give birth, you’re forced to take a painful shit, and then they send you home with a newborn and say “Ok, good luck!” Life for women is truly a unique experience.
However, it is known that you heal faster when you’re able to move around and not stay idle for too long. I mean it’s likely you’re getting up every 10-20 minutes anyway, but it’s helpful to remember that regular movement speeds up the healing process.
Breastfeeding & Boobs
My breastfeeding journey was short lived. It lasted 4 days. I left the hospital with blistered and bleeding nipples. I was in so much pain. My son was a drinker and a sucker. He loved a pacifier. And he used my nipples as a pacifier at first, and it was awful.
I hated the feeling of my milk coming in as well. I already have big boobs. I got a breast reduction about 8 years ago, so I have some past trauma regarding big boobs already. When my milk came in, I could not stand them feeling huge and engorged. I was in pain. I hated pumping. It was all way too overwhelming for me, so we switched to formula.
I just want to say: Do what works best for you. Make sure you have a can of formula at home before bringing the baby home, just in case. It’s a good thing to have to fall back on. But if you’re enjoying breastfeeding and it’s working for you, GREAT. If it’s not, it’s okay to switch to formula too. It’s okay to exclusively breastfeed. It’s okay to exclusively pump. It’s okay to do a little of both. It’s okay to only do formula. Your postpartum experience is important. Being a happy mama is important for you, the baby, and your family as a whole.
Working Out & Getting Back in Shape
My biggest advice: do not rush and take your time.
It’s so hard seeing your postpartum body. You’re no longer pregnant so everything just feels…. big.
Start with daily walks which can be easy to do with a newborn. If you want to do more, start slowly. Listen to your body. Squeeze in a workout when you can, and allow yourself to be flexible. Working out with a baby is not easy. You may get interrupted often. You may not be able to do it at the same time every day. It looks different and will be different. You will also feel very out of shape, and that’s okay.
It’s also okay if you’re not in a mental space to start working out regularly too. Postpartum is so overwhelming and can take awhile to get used to. In that case, I would just advise getting out for walks when you can. Fresh air, the sunshine and some daily movement is great for anxiety, depression, and overwhelm.
Prepping Food Beforehand
This is something I did not do well. I prepped breakfast burritos that ran out quickly. Other than that, we had nothing. We ended up eating a lot of fast food.
I usually love cooking and baking, but when I had my son, the idea of spending time in the kitchen stressed me out. If I were to do it all over again, I would prep so many freezer meals that I could just pop into a crock pot. I wish I had been more organized with this.
Get Help with Pets
I have an entire blog post about this where you can read in detail about how difficult having a pet can be postpartum.
Try to discuss the possibility that taking care of your dog on top of a newborn might be too much for you with your partner. Ask them to step up on their end. It’s also not a bad idea to consider having someone watch your dog for a week while you adjust to your new life with the baby. Or even ask the neighbor or a friend to take your dog on walks for you at the beginning.
Preparing for the Emotional Roller Coaster
The Newborn Haze
I’m calling it the newborn haze for a few reasons. First off, you are so tired that you end up just getting through the days and nights feeling like a zombie from a lack of sleep. When you’re pregnant and tired you think, “is this what it’s going to feel like? Will I have to take care of a baby feeling this tired?” I am sorry to tell you that it’s actually worse and harder. This comes from someone who values her sleep and doesn’t feel well rested without 8-9 hours of sleep a night.
The second reason is that because it all goes so quick and blurs together, you forget a lot of it. I am struggling to remember how we filled our days, but I’m pretty sure it was bottle, nap, tummy time and play, bottle, nap, tummy time and play on repeat until bath time and bedtime. Some days I managed to get things done, and other days, I sat on the sofa and watched Grey’s Anatomy all day. It’s called balance.
Feeling Attached
I was shocked at how sudden the feelings of attachment happened for me. I didn’t want my son out of my sight. I got jealous if anyone held him for longer than an hour because he was mine and it was my turn.
The first time I left the house was about 2-3 weeks after he was born and it was to go get my nails done for an hour. I remember racing back home to him and my husband. I would be in the car and say out loud, “Mama’s coming for you baby!!” As if he had any idea.
There were two other times I left him. I had a dentist appointment so my sister-in-law came over to babysit for an hour. Noah napped the whole time so there was nothing to worry about.
And the next time was for our anniversary. My mom came to town and my husband and I went out to dinner. If there was anyone I could trust with my son, it would be my mother. We came home after an hour because we were not going to sit there and drink, knowing we’d be up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, and I could not manage to be away from him for much longer.
It just felt wrong not to be near him all the time.
The 4 Month Sleep Regression
My son started sleeping 10+ hours at 9 weeks. Yeah we were lucky, but also I highly recommend the Taking Cara Babies sleep course.
By the time we hit the 4 month sleep regression, we were feeling good. We were consistently getting good sleep. So when all of a sudden he was up constantly, we were exhausted. After 5 five weeks of seeing no improvement, I did some research through tired and blurry eyes. Then we decided to teach my son independent sleep habits. As soon as he caught on, our lives changed. We started seeing consistent 12 hour sleep stretches, and we have ever since.
Taking advantage of your baby being so little and teaching him or her healthy sleep habits will not only help your baby get more sleep and feel more rested, but will change your life throughout the years to come. It is my biggest advice I could ever give any new parent.
Going Back to Work
If you’re a working mom, I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. This transition is torture.
It goes against all natural motherly instincts to be near your baby at all times. It’s especially hard when it’s too soon and you’re not ready. Some mothers have to go back after just 6 weeks which is absolutely criminal.
I personally took unpaid leave for 6 months. By the time I hit 5 months, I started to feel more ready. But I was still an absolute disaster and hated that this was what was happening to our family.
I cried the entire week. I cried on the way to daycare and the way back. I would pick him up early, and sometimes let him nap at home to ensure he got a good nap in. I took time off to just to spend with him when I missed him.
If you have a supportive employer, please try to ask them to work with you. A mother’s time with their baby is precious. You will find it hard to concentrate and get back to doing your job so if they can be flexible with you for the first few weeks to a month, that is really the best case scenario.
Just know my heart is with you at this time, and you will get through it. And it will get easier as time goes on. Some days, you may look forward to daycare drop off lol.
The Many Milestones Ahead
Your Baby Can Lift Their Head
Once your baby can lift their own head, things change drastically. They don’t feel as fragile anymore, and you’re a lot less worried you’re going to break them. This is about the time you start to realize you can do this whole mama thing, and you’re good at it. But it’s also a reminder that time is moving, and that can be emotional.
Your Baby Slept Through the Night & You Did Too
I will say this is the best milestone during the first year. Once your baby starts sleeping through the night, eventually you will too. You will eventually stop waking up to check the monitor all night long. Eventually, you may even let the screen go dark. You will start to feel like a human again. Your relationship with your partner will get better.
This is why I highly recommend sleep training and teaching independent sleep. Life is way better and easier to manage when you’re getting decent sleep at night.
Sitting Up & Starting Solids
Usually this marks the second half of the first year which means your baby is becoming a little more interesting. Less potato blob like, and more like an actual human. You hear more babbling, giggles, and personality. Starting solids was scary but so exciting for me. I’m a huge foodie and I couldn’t wait to share that with my son.
Because of this, we did Baby Led Weaning (BLW) so my son was able to explore different textures, learn to feed himself and map his own mouth. We introduced nut butters and all different kinds of foods to help prevent allergies as well as get him used to all different textures and flavors. I definitely recommend this and would highly suggest checking out Solid Starts for guidance throughout this time.
Motor & Cognitive Development
My son’s motor development was always on the later end of the milestone, but his cognitive development was always ahead of schedule.
Let me be clear: ALL babies develop differently and on their own timeline. If you are worried, talk to your pediatrician, and check out Instagram for a ton of accounts that can give you free tips on different things to try with your baby.
Because I got so in my head that my son wasn’t crawling yet (at 10 months), the pediatrician referred us to a physical therapist who ended up telling me that all the activities he would suggest I was already doing at home (thanks to Instagram accounts). My son crawled less than a month later, still within the “developmental timeline.” I knew nothing was wrong. He was a chunky boy and it took him longer to build up the muscle needed for certain movements.
And honestly, a late crawler was great for us. It gave us more time before we’d find him across the room trying to eat the dog food. Try not to stress too much unless you feel in your gut that something could be wrong.
Leaving Your Baby for the First Time Overnight
My son was about 15 months old when I had to leave him for the first time for a work trip. I did not want to go, but felt that I had to *for my career.* I was a disaster. I cried a lot.
But I also brought my favorite book that I liked reading to him with me, and I FaceTimed him and my husband every night before bed to see him, read him the book and say goodnight. It was better than nothing. He was still too young to understand, and he was happy with his daddy which definitely helped knowing that we wasn’t actually missing me too much.
It was hard, but I made it through. You will too.
Dropping Bottles & Down to One Nap
I was so ready to drop bottles. We started weaning at 11 months, the same time we weaned off the pacifier. I introduced milk which he loved, and then we transitioned fully to solids at 12 months with no issues. I was ready to stop spending so much money on formula, to keep practicing with solids, and to stop having to wash bottles.
A month later we transitioned to one nap and our lives changed. We now had more freedom in the mornings and afternoons to leave the house and get our weekend to-do lists done.
It’s a bittersweet time – saying goodbye to the infant year with so many milestones, memories, and the baby snuggles. And then welcoming toddlerhood knowing tantrums are on their way, but so is your child’s personality and more independence. It’s certainly something to try to stay present for.
First ER Visit &/Or First Surgery
Nothing can prepare you for the first time you need to rush your child to the hospital or have to undergo surgery. My son had tubes put in his ears as he had recurring ear infections. Thankfully it’s a quick procedure and he was under anesthetic for only 10-15 minutes, but it is a DIFFICULT one to navigate.
Always listen to your gut and mother’s intuition and try to have faith in the doctors taking care of your child.
Motherhood completely transforms your life – in all the best ways, and some of the more challenging ways. In an instant, every facet of your life revolves around a small little baby. From your sleep to your eating schedule, to your shopping needs and your relationships. Even work feels different. You take in information differently. True crime feels even scarier, and don’t even get me started on hearing about school shootings. The world seems like a scarier place once you’ve given birth. Your entire being is devoted to keeping that baby alive and well-cared for. And you also feel like you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing.
It’s the best and most wonderful gift to be a mother. It is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest joy and my greatest purpose. And I genuinely hope it will be yours too.
You got this, mama.
XOXO
Sam
